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Monday, 22 March 2010

  • sometimes i wonder

    Sometimes i wonder what im doing, if what im doing with you is worth it. if you really do love me or if you're just caught up in the sex. Sometimes i feel like i cant give you what you need, that you are so sure that you know what you want and im just going along with it. The person you see isnt necessarily the person that i am. Sometimes i wonder if what you say is true, or if i just wish it were...

Sunday, 08 November 2009

  • SOOO thats really annoying

    ... my roommate keeps getting on my nerves.. what the fukc you took your own pictures, why do you need to steal mine? let me effing upload my own pictures before you upload them like theyre yours.. hella effing annoying.. i would like to see my own pictures before you post them.. kinda annoying that you just take advangtage like that.. seriously.. please let me upload my own picutres before you comment and post them like theyre yours.. so effing annoying... RAWR.

Friday, 09 October 2009

  • here i am again

    I guess i havent been blogging much, i think for me the idea behind this blog was that no one could read it, no one would ever know about it or the people who did read it would be annoymous people who not only would i never meet or even have to see. Thats the wonders of having an annonymous blog right? I suppose its like a diary for me, you know to write down my thoughts, ideas and troubles? i suppose for the most part my thoughs, ideas and dramas are mostly surroundeed with boys... stupid boys... why do you have to be so complicated?? and why cant i control myself? i seem to get myself in trouble around here.. damn self control is needed for me! >< !
    anyway. so ive gotten myself in trouble again... im supposed to go out with him tomorrow, aanndd well im not sure if its a date, and well frankly im more confused about myself. I know that he likes me and to a certain degree i definitly like him too... but at the same time... i want to be single, i like being single, its weird being single in a house of "takens" but at the same time i dont feel the need to BE taken. Or do i? i mean he is my type, he is cute, but ... at the same time idk.. im still confused on how i feel, are my emotions just bouncing off of his? i know hes a really sweet guy and has a lot of qualities that make him more attractive to me, but at the same time, i dont know. He's a "forever" kind of guy, hes the type that is gonna be there for you no matter what, really a "nice guy". and .... at the same time... i dont know, of course every girl wants that, but at the same time, im NOT ready to settle down, im not ready to find the "one", not saying that he could be the "one"... but there could be potential there.. ... i dont know. but anyway i guess im going out with him for dinner tomorrow... hopefully its not a date or... i think im going to be getting myself in more trouble than i can imagine.. oH SNAPS! ><

Sunday, 09 August 2009

  • So i always thought those girls who did the back and forth game with their ex boyfriends were dumb, stupid, and should just learn that if they didnt love you the first time, they sure as hell arent going to love you the second time around. That you may THINK theyre going to change, that they DO in fact love you, that they have changed for the better and that they are going to be there for you when times are rough, in reality, its all just a big fat lie. Well maybe not completely a lie, i dont feel like you can have a relationship with someone and then when you breakup to totally lose feelings for the other person and not care at all about them. And i guess thats where this whole idea of make up break up comes from. Someone, girl or guy, is always hoping that their other (girl or guy), is finally realizing that theyre the one for you. And for the most part, they dont, theyre just to weak to tell you to your face that its over. Hell, i thought that my boyfriend had a "temporary lapse and that he didnt know what he was doing and that it would never happen again", i mean thats what he said right? and why would he lie to me? why would he try to get back together if he really didnt want to be with me. and i guess the answer is.. well.. wouldnt i love to give you the answer? but unfortunatly there is no answer to the rules of love.
    then there comes to the question of Love. The big "L" word. What makes it so special, how can some people use it so callously, just throw it around to people who care about them. "i love you" what does it mean exactly. Is there acutally a thing that is really love? i mean i do believe in friendship love, in family love, but in romantic love? is there such a thing? or is it just a giant ploy to sell things, an illusion placed upon people to make them want more from their loved ones. I suppose there are some cases of finding that one guy or girl who is going to be there for you the rest of your life, i mean you see the old couples walking down the street holding hands and opening the door for him, and it gives you hope that maybe that could be YOU someday. but in reality, is life more like the movie "he's really not that into you" i mean i saw it, yes the outcome for the most part ended in a happily ever after, but do you really think theres that one person out there that was meant for you, and at what point do you stop waiting around for Mr. Right and just go with whatevers there in front of you.
    and that leads me to the topic of rebounds. In One Tree Hill, the mom says "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else", now, this doesnt sound like the smartest idea to me but it does have some thought put into it. maybe not to have sex with the "rebound guy" but i think one of the hardest things of breaking up with someone and getting over them is the fact that you have to face the fact that they arent going to be there for you, that there isnt someone to "pick you up" and to make you laugh with that special smile reserved for them, to flirt with, to cheer you up, to cuddle with you when your feeling down, to get you away from the crazyness and to generally be there for you. No one to share the inside jokes with, to create new inside jokes with, and of course the physical being of being with someone. No one to make out with, to make you feel sexy or beautiful, or to make you feel happy in that special way. I think in essence this is the reason for the "rebound guy" when your single, you dont realize what you dont have, you fill those voids with friends, friends to make you laugh, create inside jokes with, checkout boys with, to cheer you up. But its the physical things you cant have back, the making out, cuddling, boosting your self esteem, and thats where the "rebound" comes in. Theyre the guy, or girl, that makes you feel that way again, that is able to show you that you are attractive, that they are there for you and if you let them, the physical side of things. I always wondered why girls pingponged from guy to guy, why they could never stay single for long, and i thought they were just weak. That they didnt have enough self control or they just craved having that type attention so much they couldnt live without it. But thats when i realized, you can have all the friends in the world, all the boyfriends in the world, but if you cant find what makes you happy, what kind of guy you want to be with, what types of things work for you and what doesnt, you will forever be searching for something you cant have. Because you dont know what you need.

Thursday, 23 July 2009

  • I guess what hurts the most is the realization that you stopped caring
    a long time ago, when i was trying to keep something going, you were just floating along, not really caring. I ddnt want to be the clingy jealous girlfriend, and maybe because i felt like u were drifting away it made me feel more clingy and jealous and so i just quit talking about things that mattered, we never had deep talks or talked about personal issues, and maybe thats where we went wrong... My own insecurities wanted me to be clingy and express my jealousy and maybe that is what kept me from trying just a little bit harder. the fact that because i was so insecure i didnt want to show that part of me.. so i just avoided it all together. I think that i just stopped feeling like u cared, and i guess u did. I mean u said it when we broke up, you didnt want to get attached, which implys u were never attached in the first place. I guess the difference between you and me is when i get a text from you, i felt guilty if i didnt respond right away or within the next few hours or whenever i was done with whatever i was doing at the time, i was happy to see your texts and to talk to you.. but i guess you never felt the same way.
    So eventually i would try to do the same thing that you did, wait a couple hours after you texted me, just to show you how it felt.. until we were hardly talking at all.. i would wait for the text that would never come, wait for the conversations that would never happen, until it just got to the point where we were hardly talking at all.. and i wasnt happy about it, but i suppose i just had too much pride to bring up what was going on. I knew once it was brought up we would have to deal with it, which , i was certain, was going to end things... so i just avoided it and hoped and hoped that things would get better, that you would realize that i was here waiting and that you still liked me too.. and eventually it just ate me up inside. That i was waiting for something that was never going to happen and that in a way i was waiting for something you couldnt, or didnt want to, give me. This and the combinations of my own insecurites, worries and jealousies just kept building up and building up to the point where i just couldnt take it anymore and we broke up. But then you started talking to me again, and i was like "im stupid for still believing you.. but i cant help myself" and so we got back together, and i told myself i wasnt going to get too attached, that it wasnt forever, that it probably would be over after the summer... give him a second chance, i mean you said it urself that it was a "mistake" and it wouldn't "happen again"... and i felt so stupid after we got back together because not even a week later you were back to ignoring me again. Maybe we are better off as friends, but i just wish you would have told me that instead of building up my hopes, only for me to realize that you really cant give me what i need or want.

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LifeLoveandOtherConfusions

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    • Name: LifeLoveandOtherConf
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    • Member Since: 4/30/2009

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  • Just the simple thoughts of a college student on Life, Love and other confusing things.

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